Deep in Thought

I have a lot of things going through my mind and I wanted to post about them to see if I can get them out of my head...(please note it is kind of long and very hard for me)

Growing up I was the 5th out of 6 children. It was fun at times and frustrating at others.

The oldest sibling is just like my dad. He always wants to make sure you are where you are supposed to be and doing what you are supposed to do. I know he loves each of us and that's why he does it, however, it was hard to see that growing up and he got onto me a lot. But I always have and always will look up to him for guidance.

The next sibling was the "cool" sibling. He had the cool friend, played sports, was well liked, didn't get mad easily, was laid back, didn't tell me what to do. He's the one you always wanted to hang out with because he was so easy to get along with. I visited him a lot when I was in Idaho and he was in Utah. He's the brother that you want to be exactly like because he was so popular and cool. I love when he comes to visit because I get to spend time with him and though things in his life are stressful right now, I still want to hang out with him.

The next sibling was the "role model". I always wanted to be just like her. Skinny, cute, funny, she had a lot going for her. She got married and started a family before I was 16. I always wanted to know what she was doing. She was well liked and had boyfriends. I still want to be like her. She is an excellent mom and wife. I love going to visit her and hang out with her. I hate that she lives so far away (2 - 2 1/2 hours - that's a long way with a baby). I want to be with her all the time.

The next sibling and I never got along and still don't really. He's the one right above me and maybe it's because we are so close in age, I'm not sure. We never agree on anything and sometimes things he says drives me crazy. As we get older things have gotten better and we don't fight as often (only when we see each other... :) ). I hate that we have such a crappy relationship.

Then there is me...

Then the last sibling was my "little role model". When my older sister got married and moved away, I started looking "up" to my little sister. She had it all. Sports, Friends, well liked by all siblings, mom and dad, the grades, the personality. I ate lunch a lot with her and her friends because I didn't have anyone myself to sit with. We ended up marrying best friends and sometimes that works out to an advantage because when they want to hang out, we get to hang out. Yeah we fight when we are together a for a long time, but we make up fast and love each other. She has become my best friend next to Adam and although she may not know it, I missed her when she was at school and hate when she has to work and I don't get to talk to her.

You see...I was the outcast as you could say in school and at church I suppose. I mean I had friends growing up in class, but they weren't really friends. We never hung out on the weekends or did anything together. You know in the movies where there is the bigger girl that no one likes and everyone thought they were a nerd or something? That's how I felt growing up. I wasn't the biggest person in my class, but I have always been big. I could do something about it I know, but that's not the point I suppose I am getting to. I always felt like an outcast in my ward. During Primary (class for kids 3-12) the other kids would draw pictures on the board and they would draw all of them way skinny and then fat me. It was hard. For a long time I left church crying every Sunday. It was so hard for me.

If I got invited to parties, I felt it was to make fun of me not to include me and maybe they had different intentions, but that's how I felt.

When I turned 14, I met a great friend at a church (different ward from mine) dance and we hung out all the time. But where were the school friends? When I got to high school I became the Varsity Volleyball Trainer (or manager or water girl or whatever you choose to call it). It was fun for a while and I did it again my sophomore year. I went to games, practices, you name it, I was probably there. It was a lot of work and I didn't want to do it anymore. So I just quit. I didn't sign up for it again and didn't go to things at the end of the year.

Then my Junior year I joined Deca. It was a class that let me go to school half of the day and work the other half. This is when I got my first job at Park Avenue Cleaners - while I loved my co-workers, I hated the job. Touching people's nasty, smelly, dirty laundry is not my idea of fun. I met some great "friends" in Deca but then again we never really hung out. I did it again my senior year and became an officer that allowed me to go to DC for a few days with the other officers and our advisor for a conference. It was a lot of fun.

Then I went to BYU Idaho (well a while later) and had some of the greatest roommates. They were so friendly and I really felt that they were being sincere about us all being friends. We hung out together and they invited me to do things. I really enjoyed it. My third semester there, one of my friends from church went with me and was my roommate. It was fun, but I wasn't enjoying being there anymore. I got sick and spent many days and nights in my room crying. One particular roommate always helped me out. She would let me cry on her shoulder and was always there to cheer me up. Don't get me wrong, I liked all my roommates most of the time, but this one in particular was a life saver. She was my roommate the three semesters I was there.

I came home and started dating Adam and he became my life. I was either with him or at work.

This isn't a poor pitiful Kim blog, this is a blog to try to help me get this things off my chest. See getting ridiculed all those years by family and "friends" was hard. I still have some of those feelings bottled up inside. And though this blog has only helped a little bit, it has helped. There is a lot more I want to say, but can't seem to find the right words to say it.

So I suppose that's that in a nut shell.