The Haynes Family

Do you ever feel stressed and depressed about life and things going on. I have been in a mood lately where I haven't wanted to do anything or see anyone. I am just fine with sitting in my living room in my pajamas after a workout and listening to a music channel or two. I don't think that I am falling back into a depression like I was a few years ago in Idaho where I literally sat in my room and slept a lot of the day. I just can't help it I guess. It's not that I'm embarrassed to have people come over to my dirty house, which is lately been kind of tidy and picked up. I just don't know what the deal is.

Then I start thinking about money and I get really depressed. Everything costs so much these days. $70 bucks to get my car registered in the county. $20 here, $5 there. We don't go out and do very many things because of this. Adam's birthday was the first time in months we had been to the theater. At restaurants, I tell Adam to get water instead of his precious Dr Pepper to save 1.50 to 2.50. We try to not go out to eat very often. We used to eat out a lot and I blame that on the fact that Adam is the pickiest eater and I hate cooking for him because everything I want or make, he doesn't like it seems. He does try everything and I give him props for that. But he never gets full off of what I cook because he doesn't like it.

It really sucks when you owe family members money and you can't afford to pay them back.

Or Halloween is coming up and you can't even afford a yellow shirt for your little boy to be Charlie Brown.

Or Christmas is coming and you are trying to think of cheap homemade gifts for everyone because you just can't afford it. Perhaps everyone in the family will be getting things made out of Popsicle sticks this year.

There are days I don't answer my phone because I just don't feel like talking. Sometimes it is because Parker has just gone to sleep in my arms after fighting it for hours it seems and you don't want to make a peep in fear of him waking up. Other times its just not wanting to talk.

You see game shows and talk show hosts giving away so much and you wish "Why couldn't that be me?"

I don't want to be rich. I just want to have enough to get by without being stressed about it.

Adam is in his last semester of school. When he graduates will he stay at Lamar? Will he try to get a higher paying job? What will we do? Will we have to move to Houston or Austin or Dallas or somewhere bigger to get a higher paying job?

I wanted to start trying for another baby soon, but we just can't afford it. Parker's formula is about $100 bucks a month. Plus diapers. We can't afford that for two kids.

There are several families that make less than we do. How do they manage? How do they make it look so easy?

I've worked since I was 16 and then was let go from my job last October because I was pregnant and supposedly sick all the time. I did have several bladder infections throughout my pregnancy and headaches a lot, but that didn't really keep me from working. I feel bad because I'm spending money, but not making any.

I told Adam yesterday that I just wanted to check the mailbox and there be money in it. Not even much. It's like every little bit helps you know? But there was no money. Not even a penny.

Our fridge stays mostly empty. It's not packed and crowded like my parents was growing up or even is now.

It's like you just want to curl up and cry. But you can't.