Monday, January 11, 2010

Feelings...

I can go all day without eating because I'm not hungry and then in the evenings it's like I can't get enough to satisfy my cravings (maybe it's because I never really can tell what it is I am craving or wanting - but whatever I'm eating isn't it).

I am tired a lot. It's probably because I stay in my house all day almost every day watching a 1 year old (hard to believe he's that old) because it takes so much effort getting him out. My mom always says "how are you going to make it with two" (no I'm not pregnant - I suppose she is just preparing me for when I am). You have to pack the diaper bag - diapers, wipes, toys, books, cups, snacks - then load it in the car and him and he never wants in the car seat so he fights you every time. When you don't do anything it makes you more tired I think.

I am really emotional all the time. I can cry at the drop of a hat - I can get angry in two seconds when something doesn't go my way - I can be frustrated with Parker getting into something and then when he makes his scrunched up "how could you tell me no" face I get a huge smile on my face and can't help but laugh.

I worry a lot - about life, about Parker, about money, about my parents, about my siblings, their kids, about Adam, about his family. Are we going to have enough money to get through the month paying for Adam's grad school? Is Parker going to be okay through the night? Through his nap? When I'm not with him? Are my siblings happy? Are they making it through life okay? Do they need anything and how can I help? How are their kids? Are they making it through school and other activities okay? Do they miss me when I'm gone? Is Adam more stressed than he is acting? Is he keeping stuff from me because he knows how I will react? Does he get disappointed with me? Are his siblings okay? Do they need anything? Are they struggling? What can we do to help? Are his dad and step mom okay? Do they like me? Are there things about me they don't like?

I am disgusted a lot with myself. Why can't I lose 50 lbs? Probably because I can't get motivated to eat right and exercise although I have started and am trying. Why is my face always broken out? Someone could play dot-to-dot on my face it is so bad right now. Why can't my teeth be just a little bit whiter?

I get jealous easily. Parker says da-da all the time and never says ma-ma anymore. He used to. My sisters have thousands of friends. I have a sister-in-law that gets to hang out with her thousands of friends every month. Why is it that I'm not liked? What is so wrong with me? Why can't I have thousands of friends? I go to church and sit with family and then in relief society sit all alone. I have one friend that I hang out with, but why can't I have more? Have I done something wrong?

7 comments:

Emelie said...

Oh Kim! I'm so sorry you're bummed. I am so in the same boat, I may even be the captain or first mate, at least.

Getting out will help, I promise!

When I was reading your blog, I was like, "Wait! Am I reading my blog or.. who's link did I click on?"

I know no one wants to hear it when you're down, but ask for a priesthood blessing with oil. If you have to get one every day till you fill better, that's what you need then. That's why its here... it'll bring you and Adam closer and help you feel better!

Need anything, let me (or someone) know. If you need a baby break, a home break, anything...seriously!

Emelie said...

* feel * better...

Adam said...

I love you sweetheart. I'm sorry you feel so down.

EmJeter said...

Kim! You are great! I remember on my birthday when you said you had meant to make me cookies, I was so surprised and excited! I was like, "Why would she make ME cookies, we don't even ever hang out! And I'm pretty sure she isn't my VT...". I actually saw that post again this week, and got excited all over again. Thanks for making my day TWICE!

We should start running together...deciding to train for a half-marathon got me out of a big slump last year, so following a training schedule might help you out also! Give it some thought! (I'm a REEEEALLY slow runner..anytime I invite someone to run with me they always think I'll leave them behind. UNLIKELY. No worries =} )

Cassandra said...

ill hang out with you, kim!! = P

Rondi said...

One thing that is most important in all of this Kim--don't lose your identity. You will always be Kim. Yes, you are a wife and a mom. But, you still need to be you-the you that used to make you happy. I know that Adam is busy with work and school. But, you need one night, at least once a month, that you can go do what you like to do. Get a pedicure, go walk the mall. Get together with Maren.

The other thing that will help. Put Parker in the stroller and walk. This 56 year old lady walks 2.5 miles, not everyday because of weather or babysitting duty. But when I walk, I feel so much better.

One last thing--have you had your thyroid checked? You sure have a lot of the same symptoms I did until they found out I have hypothyroidism.

And remember--I love you and will always be your friend and "other" mom.

Heather Guymon said...

Move to Austin...Ill hang with ya!!!! I feel the same way you do all the time. I just try and remember that it's my own insecurities and that people DO like me. Not only that, they love me...because im pretty much awesome.