Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What's Wrong With Me

I've been down a lot lately and I'm not too sure why. Genes maybe? Depression coming back? I hope not - I got put on an anti-depressant my last semester at BYU-Idaho and stayed on it for a while. Then when I went back to working at the cleaners, I was so stressed out. I was at work by 5 or 5:30 most mornings and stayed there until 2, 3 sometimes even 4 or 5. It was hot, muggy and I hated always having to work. I never got to see Adam (we were dating at the time) and when he came over, I was usually asleep. We never went out. I was too tired to. I worked almost every weekend. The boss always wanted off and always came in late. I got tired of getting chewed out for everyone else and that's when the health problems began. They changed my anti-depressant, found out I had a hiatal hernia and that I had the beginnings of gallbladder disease. I also had my wisdom teeth out all in that same time period. The boss got mad that for my gallbladder removal surgery that I had to be off for two weeks and told me he couldn't be too mad at me because I had a doctor's excuse, but I could tell he was quite ticked. I put in my two weeks notice there after my first week of recovery because I dreaded to go back.

Then I went back to the UPS Store as a manager. I thought it was all going to be okay. But felt like I was always getting in trouble there too for things other people did. I guess that's the managers get yelled at for other peoples mistakes...that's how it felt at least. I stayed there a good while as manager. My hernia seemed to dissipate, I got married and then found out I was pregnant. I wasn't planning on quitting until the bitter end of my pregnancy because we needed all the money we could get to save up. The person replacing me was hired and I began training her. She told the boss that I was sick all the time and so he told me that I wasn't to work up front and tend to customers anymore unless there were problems. I was to do my job in the back and train her and I was fine with that at first. Then he told me I was to be completely off the schedule and only come in as needed and to answer my phone for questions. I was in the hospital learning the insulin and diet for my gestational diabetes and got a few calls from her. I was ticked. I told her I was in the hospital and there was nothing I could do, but she called again. I told the boss about that and all he did was tell them not to call me anymore. Needless to say, my last check was only for the time I was on the phone (which wasn't long at all) and it was a total of $18.

I don't really know what to say about not feeling up to par. Perhaps it's because I stay at home all day almost every day with my sweet little boy and don't get out much. If we go to mom and dads house, dad usually ends up in his room, kari and matt in their part of the house and mom is is tired from everything that she falls asleep. I can sit at my own house and be alone. I go over for the interaction and don't get very much of it. I would love to go visit my sister in Lufkin a lot during the week, but she has a job now. We got really close (or at least I think so) after she was married and started having kids. I love her kids like they are my own and hate that they live so far (2 hours) away. It makes it hard to just run up for the day to visit (especially as crazy as her schedule is being a working mom of three). I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

A good friend told me that she'd rather have a few really good friends than a lot of acquaintances and I agree with her, but I can say I don't really have a few good friends. I have one. I am tired of two-faced people. Ya know, nice to your face but don't talk to you unless they have to, etc. That's how I feel at church 99% of the time. My moms friends talk to me more than people my own age. I am tired of being two-faced myself. To those people my age that don't really talk to me, I just want to tell them off. And to the people I just really don't like, I really want to tell them off. But I don't and it makes me feel very two-faced.

Growing up, I never really did anything horrible. Perhaps it was the fear of getting caught, or the fear of getting in trouble. It could have been the fear of disappointing my parents. Whatever the reason, I tried to stay out of trouble a lot. Is that why I did the things I did? I go to the LDS church...why you ask? Tonight I would probably tell you I have no clue. To not disappoint my parents or my husband. How do you know it's the right one? Or the true one? Tonight I can tell you I don't know. Maybe that's why I am struggling so much. Maybe that's why I forget to read my scriptures and say my prayers at night. Maybe that's why I hate sitting through three hours of church each Sunday with a one year old that wants to run around and play.

I feel lost and confused and like a bad mom and wife. I don't really talk to Adam about it for fear of disappointing him. Why am I so scared to share my feelings and tell people what I want? I have been all my life. I feel like I have been judged and criticized all my life and I just want it to stop. I want my parents to be proud of me. Really proud of me. I want my mom to spend more time with Parker and with me. I want my siblings to want to hang out with me. I want their spouses not to hate me. I want Adam to come home from work and for us to just talk like we used to. We don't talk anymore. There is always an electronic (tv, ipod, or laptop) in the way from one or both of us. I want my feelings not to be on my sleeve. I just want to be happy.

Why is it that people don't like me? What have I done wrong? Why would Parker rather sit with his uncle than me? Why am I in this funk? Why am I feeling sorry for myself? Why am I even posting this on the blog (probably because I think if I get it off my chest I'll feel better)? Why am I so unhappy?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I love a Great Deal and Cuteness

At Target today, I found these great frames originally $12.99 I think marked down to $9.08 marked down again to $6.48. Two nice frames marked down! Wahoo! I love when I find a good deal.Adam printed these pictures out for Parker's room forever ago because he thinks the fox looks like Parker. I don't think so, but whatever. I have been meaning to find frames and have been looking, but haven't wanted to pay tons of money for them!Parker likes the fox so much he was giving it kisses after I got it in the frame. Adam told me that we now need a pet fox for Parker! Yeah right! Not at/in/around my house!!

Make sure you scroll down, I've posted a lot today! And click Older for more Posts!


I finally decided to take the twin bed down in Parker's Room. I really like having an extra bed for company, but who am I kidding, we never have company and so the bed was always piled with crap. I am storing it in the bathroom in Parker's room because we never use it anyways. Now all of his toys are out of my living room and in his room against the wall. I just don't know how to organize them. Should I get one big toy box? Just get shelves and neatly put the toys on the shelves? Put baskets on shelves because who am I kidding I won't be able to keep them neat? I also have a basket of books in Parker's closet because I don't want him to tear them up. I keep all the board books down for him to read on his own and would really like them out in his room somewhere...but where that he can't reach them? Any thoughts or comments on how you have your kid's toys organized? I don't like the little black shelf in the corner and would love to get rid of it, but until I find something else for his books to go on, it will stay.
I found the three buckets in the corner at Walmart last night for 3 or 4 bucks total and I have most of his "little" toys in there so they aren't thrown all over the place...I want to get rid of the Rubbermaid bucket in the above picture it is currently storing his stuffed animals and a few bigger toys that were hand-me-downs from his cousin.
And do you have any ideas on how to keep him out of the air conditioner? That would be a bucket of baby clothes that are too small and his carrier car seat acting as his "gate" to keep him out of it. I would love to put the bucket in his closest and get the carrier out of his room. Any Ideas?

Oh Parker

We came home from Target today and I started working on dinner and Parker was being so fussy so I got him a snack of Cheerios and had him sitting in front of the tv so I could work on dinner in peace (great mom, right?) and this is how he decided he wanted to eat them or should I say drink them!


I absolutely love cooking and baking. Here are the problems with it though...

- I hate grocery shopping
- If I bake, I end up eating most of it - Adam isn't a big fan of sweets
- Everything I cook, it makes a lot and neither one of us likes leftovers - so then I feel it's a big waste and its hard to cut some recipes in half
- Adam is a very picky eater

I would love to be able to give a menu to someone, them go buy the groceries and then bring them home for me to cook for more than just 2 1/2 of us (I do suppose Parker isn't really half, he eats more than Adam and Me combined some days).

At school I cooked for my roommates and their boyfriends from time to time. It was nice because there weren't tons of leftovers and the leftovers we had, were mostly eaten by Bedke. I suppose Jacquie and Ryan need to just move down here so I can cook for them and then Ryan eat all the leftovers. I cook for Kari and Matt every now and then and it's really nice to not have as many leftovers and to have company over.

Any Ideas on what to do?

Monday, January 25, 2010


I miss all my friends from Rexburg and feel that a reunion should happen in the near future. I had a few really great roommates that were a lot of fun to hang out with. I miss cooking for people that aren't so picky too (I love you very much honey, but be less picky with food!!). It was also fun to catch up with a few people that had served their mission for our church down here and running into them up there. I wouldn't change my life now (I love my husband and lil boy very much), but often find myself reminiscing about "the good ol' days". I'd name everyone, but with my luck, I'd leave someone out and make them mad! Who is with me for a Reunion? Anyone? Come on...Anybody?? :)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Parker's Birthday Party

Parker's Party was fun with all the family that came to spend this special time with us. We are very grateful for everyone that came and especially those that drove long distances to come!

Here are the highlights:

I found a Pin the Tail on a Donkey Game for a dollar and thought it would be fun for the kids...It was a big hit and all the kids took turns playing the game!
Hunter's Turn
Parker's TurnClaire's Turn
Meredith's Turn
Taylor's Turn
Braydon's Turn
Tucker's Turn
Meredith, Claire, Braydon and Tucker waiting for their turn to play
Hunter, Tucker, Braydon, Meredith, TaylorParker's Shirt and Hat
The Gift Bags
Everyone's Cake
Parker's Cake
Oh Parker

He was about to touch the fire and I told him he couldn't and pulled his hand away and he started crying.
Yummy Cake - He wanted nothing to do with the icing, I had to break through the icing to get to the cake for him.
This is how much he ate (minus the top right-Grammer ate that piece)
Opening Presents
His first UPS Truck from Sandy and DonNew clothes from Aunt Sarah and Uncle KevinA dump truck and blocks from JenniferA wheel barrel from Grandma SoirezAlvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakqual from Geezer and Awna DA monkey backpack from Geezer and Awna DHandy Manny Took Box from Uncle Matt and Aunt Squirt
Race Cars from The Suze and Do-Do
Opening his Farm Playset from Maren and Ryan
His Train from Grandpa and Grandma
It was a big hit with all the kids
His Guitar from Grammer and Grumps
His Clipo from Holly and Justin
Books from Pops and Tutu
Yay for books!
Sweet Parkey

Uncle Court, Aunt Janelle, Aunt Caryn and Uncle Justin gave him a swing. The only picture I got of it is when Aunt Caryn is carrying it in and she wouldn't like it I posted that one...

Gamma Jill and Gampa Gene gave him a monkey coloring book and colors! (They also put helium in all the balloons for me!!)

Thanks to everyone who came to help and participate with Parker's First Birthday Party!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Parker's Birthday Wish List

Our little cousin got this for Christmas and Parker played with it yesterday and loved it! You push the button and the tools dance to the music - Handy Manny Tool Box

Kid's Beige with Chocolate Micro Deluxe Toy Box - his toys are in a rubbermade bucket and when i put the toys away and close the lid he can't get it back open and it's too small - I love this one!

leapfrog learn and groove musical table - he loves music

infantino sing and learn monkey

Playskool busy basic: busy poppin pals - a cousin got this at a Christmas party and Parker loved it
A Curious George Jack in Box

Board Books - I leave the board books down low for him to read on his own because he cant rip the pages out - regular book I have to keep put up and only get down when an adult is reading to him because he tries to rip it pages out

sound books - he loves anything that makes noises and music

He doesn't have any movies and half the cartoons that come on tv aren't good - so disney movies or any kind of little kid movie.

I don't have kid music cds for when we are in the car for Parker to listen to - so maybe a kid cd.