Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What's Wrong With Me

I've been down a lot lately and I'm not too sure why. Genes maybe? Depression coming back? I hope not - I got put on an anti-depressant my last semester at BYU-Idaho and stayed on it for a while. Then when I went back to working at the cleaners, I was so stressed out. I was at work by 5 or 5:30 most mornings and stayed there until 2, 3 sometimes even 4 or 5. It was hot, muggy and I hated always having to work. I never got to see Adam (we were dating at the time) and when he came over, I was usually asleep. We never went out. I was too tired to. I worked almost every weekend. The boss always wanted off and always came in late. I got tired of getting chewed out for everyone else and that's when the health problems began. They changed my anti-depressant, found out I had a hiatal hernia and that I had the beginnings of gallbladder disease. I also had my wisdom teeth out all in that same time period. The boss got mad that for my gallbladder removal surgery that I had to be off for two weeks and told me he couldn't be too mad at me because I had a doctor's excuse, but I could tell he was quite ticked. I put in my two weeks notice there after my first week of recovery because I dreaded to go back.

Then I went back to the UPS Store as a manager. I thought it was all going to be okay. But felt like I was always getting in trouble there too for things other people did. I guess that's the managers job...to get yelled at for other peoples mistakes...that's how it felt at least. I stayed there a good while as manager. My hernia seemed to dissipate, I got married and then found out I was pregnant. I wasn't planning on quitting until the bitter end of my pregnancy because we needed all the money we could get to save up. The person replacing me was hired and I began training her. She told the boss that I was sick all the time and so he told me that I wasn't to work up front and tend to customers anymore unless there were problems. I was to do my job in the back and train her and I was fine with that at first. Then he told me I was to be completely off the schedule and only come in as needed and to answer my phone for questions. I was in the hospital learning the insulin and diet for my gestational diabetes and got a few calls from her. I was ticked. I told her I was in the hospital and there was nothing I could do, but she called again. I told the boss about that and all he did was tell them not to call me anymore. Needless to say, my last check was only for the time I was on the phone (which wasn't long at all) and it was a total of $18.

I don't really know what to say about not feeling up to par. Perhaps it's because I stay at home all day almost every day with my sweet little boy and don't get out much. If we go to mom and dads house, dad usually ends up in his room, kari and matt in their part of the house and mom is is tired from everything that she falls asleep. I can sit at my own house and be alone. I go over for the interaction and don't get very much of it. I would love to go visit my sister in Lufkin a lot during the week, but she has a job now. We got really close (or at least I think so) after she was married and started having kids. I love her kids like they are my own and hate that they live so far (2 hours) away. It makes it hard to just run up for the day to visit (especially as crazy as her schedule is being a working mom of three). I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

A good friend told me that she'd rather have a few really good friends than a lot of acquaintances and I agree with her, but I can say I don't really have a few good friends. I have one. I am tired of two-faced people. Ya know, nice to your face but don't talk to you unless they have to, etc. That's how I feel at church 99% of the time. My moms friends talk to me more than people my own age. I am tired of being two-faced myself. To those people my age that don't really talk to me, I just want to tell them off. And to the people I just really don't like, I really want to tell them off. But I don't and it makes me feel very two-faced.

Growing up, I never really did anything horrible. Perhaps it was the fear of getting caught, or the fear of getting in trouble. It could have been the fear of disappointing my parents. Whatever the reason, I tried to stay out of trouble a lot. Is that why I did the things I did? I go to the LDS church...why you ask? Tonight I would probably tell you I have no clue. To not disappoint my parents or my husband. How do you know it's the right one? Or the true one? Tonight I can tell you I don't know. Maybe that's why I am struggling so much. Maybe that's why I forget to read my scriptures and say my prayers at night. Maybe that's why I hate sitting through three hours of church each Sunday with a one year old that wants to run around and play.

I feel lost and confused and like a bad mom and wife. I don't really talk to Adam about it for fear of disappointing him. Why am I so scared to share my feelings and tell people what I want? I have been all my life. I feel like I have been judged and criticized all my life and I just want it to stop. I want my parents to be proud of me. Really proud of me. I want my mom to spend more time with Parker and with me. I want my siblings to want to hang out with me. I want their spouses not to hate me. I want Adam to come home from work and for us to just talk like we used to. We don't talk anymore. There is always an electronic (tv, ipod, or laptop) in the way from one or both of us. I want my feelings not to be on my sleeve. I just want to be happy.

Why is it that people don't like me? What have I done wrong? Why would Parker rather sit with his uncle than me? Why am I in this funk? Why am I feeling sorry for myself? Why am I even posting this on the blog (probably because I think if I get it off my chest I'll feel better)? Why am I so unhappy?

6 comments:

Amanda N Jeremy Page said...

Kim, I know how you must feel there is times in my life that I get really depressed and upset. I wished I am close to my siblings, I admired how close you are to your family. Keep that in mind that you are lucky, I mean I can't get my sister to even talk on the phone to me. LOL! Anyways, Kim, I am here ANYTIME you need to talk, I am here. Trust me I sit around along all day too...and I don't have a one year old to entrain so some days I don't get out of bed till the phone rings. So please talk me anytime you want to talk.

Eric and Hilary said...

oh kimmy poo. everyone feels alone and like a loser sometimes. being a stay at home mom can be hard and lonely at times. but just be glad that you get to be at home and arent at work everyday missing your little cutie. electronics suck. you should talk to adam about how you're feeling and set aside some time to not have any electronics going. its easier said than done but it probably really will help. even if its just for an hour a night. as far as the church goes, i find that its the times when youre not praying or reading scriptures at all that you get discouraged. try to read your scrips every night and pray every day and when youre at church dont think about how bored you are and how you have no friends. everyone feels that way if thats what you concentrate on. just try to listen to the talks (have other people take turns taking parker out so you can listen every once in a while) and im sure your feelings will change. just know that you're not alone in these feelings. people love you! you're lucky to liveby your family even if you dont think so right now. hang in there babe! if you ever need to talk you can call me. LOVE YOU! xoxo

.Cassie Elizabeth. said...

you have me to hang out with, kim!!!

Rondi said...

Kim, Kim, Kim...Do you read my comments? A few blogs back I told you to get your thyroid checked. You really, really need to do that. I have been on thyroid meds for over 6 years and probably should have been on them before. You have so many of the symptoms.

You also have the symptoms of depression. Don't let anyone try to convince you that prayer, scripture reading and going to the temple will fix everything. It doesn't. I am living proof of that and am not ashamed to share my story. I have been in therapy for two years. I am on 4 different medications for depression and anxiety. Clinical depression diagnosed is a real disease just like diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid disease. There are chemicals in your body that are not working right. Please go see someone and get evaluated so you can enjoy your life. But, some caution, therapy and meds are not an overnight fix. It takes time and patience.

As for church, if you are depressed, the church will never seem right for you. Nothing in your life will feel right for you. Nothing except a bed and covers over your head. Please, Kim, find someone to help you. It's not going to go away by itself. As for feeling that 99% of the people at church don't talk to you, join the club. Sometimes when I leave church I wonder if anybody knows I even exist. However, like you, I have two people that watch over me and I am grateful that Heavenly Father sent them to me.
Love ya

Janelle said...

There's nothing wrong with you...you are normal. No one tells you just how HARD motherhood can be! A lot of the time it's tiring, it's frustrating, it's not fulfilling, it's lonely, the rewards are not immediate...it's tough. So many moms feel EXACTLY like you do. So, you're normal. I think it's even harder when you've been out in the work force and know how it feels to be productive in that way, and to have that much social interaction and then leave it behind to raise children. It's really an adjustment! And it can be isolating...so you really have to push yourself to reach out to others. That's what I've had to do. I felt like no one talked to me at church either. But once I started forcing myself to call people in the ward and extend myself, I made some very wonderful friends and found that a lot of the women at church felt like they didn't know anyone either.

It does sound like you have some depression and I agree with those that say that medication will help. I'm taking Lexipro and it's helped me immensely. There are LOTS of medications out there, so I know you can find one that will help you. And while I agree that praying and scripture study and attending church and the temple probably won't solve all your problems...it WILL help. The fact is that Heavenly Father LOVES you and wants you to be HAPPY, but you have to let Him in. You have to make Him a priority. He can't and won't force Himself and his blessings on you...you have to seek them. My advice is to start with praying...pray every day, out loud. It will make a difference. And get a priesthood blessing. Your dad gave me one in November because I was going through all the same emotions you have described on this post. His counsel and blessing were immensely helpful for me. Have your dad give you a blessing.

Janelle said...

Most of all, you are not alone. You are very loved. I love you and want to be your friend. I could sure use a friend too! Call me...with a little advanced planning I could drive down there and hang out...we could meet up at Parkdale Mall and let the kids play while we walk around and hang out (a REAL mall would be such a nice change of pace!). I know I'm not Caryn or Kari (And I understand the sister dynamic...I have two sisters too and no one is a substitute for them) but I would love to hang out with you. You are always welcome to come here. And we can meet up with Caryn for lunch, or hang out with her at work...spend whatever time she has free with her, so you can still feel like you have access to her.

Hang in there. Every mom goes through this. You can get through this. CALL ME! ;)