I've been down a lot lately and I'm not too sure why. Genes maybe? Depression coming back? I hope not - I got put on an anti-depressant my last semester at BYU-Idaho and stayed on it for a while. Then when I went back to working at the cleaners, I was so stressed out. I was at work by 5 or 5:30 most mornings and stayed there until 2, 3 sometimes even 4 or 5. It was hot, muggy and I hated always having to work. I never got to see Adam (we were dating at the time) and when he came over, I was usually asleep. We never went out. I was too tired to. I worked almost every weekend. The boss always wanted off and always came in late. I got tired of getting chewed out for everyone else and that's when the health problems began. They changed my anti-depressant, found out I had a hiatal hernia and that I had the beginnings of gallbladder disease. I also had my wisdom teeth out all in that same time period. The boss got mad that for my gallbladder removal surgery that I had to be off for two weeks and told me he couldn't be too mad at me because I had a doctor's excuse, but I could tell he was quite ticked. I put in my two weeks notice there after my first week of recovery because I dreaded to go back.
Then I went back to the UPS Store as a manager. I thought it was all going to be okay. But felt like I was always getting in trouble there too for things other people did. I guess that's the managers job...to get yelled at for other peoples mistakes...that's how it felt at least. I stayed there a good while as manager. My hernia seemed to dissipate, I got married and then found out I was pregnant. I wasn't planning on quitting until the bitter end of my pregnancy because we needed all the money we could get to save up. The person replacing me was hired and I began training her. She told the boss that I was sick all the time and so he told me that I wasn't to work up front and tend to customers anymore unless there were problems. I was to do my job in the back and train her and I was fine with that at first. Then he told me I was to be completely off the schedule and only come in as needed and to answer my phone for questions. I was in the hospital learning the insulin and diet for my gestational diabetes and got a few calls from her. I was ticked. I told her I was in the hospital and there was nothing I could do, but she called again. I told the boss about that and all he did was tell them not to call me anymore. Needless to say, my last check was only for the time I was on the phone (which wasn't long at all) and it was a total of $18.
I don't really know what to say about not feeling up to par. Perhaps it's because I stay at home all day almost every day with my sweet little boy and don't get out much. If we go to mom and dads house, dad usually ends up in his room, kari and matt in their part of the house and mom is is tired from everything that she falls asleep. I can sit at my own house and be alone. I go over for the interaction and don't get very much of it. I would love to go visit my sister in Lufkin a lot during the week, but she has a job now. We got really close (or at least I think so) after she was married and started having kids. I love her kids like they are my own and hate that they live so far (2 hours) away. It makes it hard to just run up for the day to visit (especially as crazy as her schedule is being a working mom of three). I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
A good friend told me that she'd rather have a few really good friends than a lot of acquaintances and I agree with her, but I can say I don't really have a few good friends. I have one. I am tired of two-faced people. Ya know, nice to your face but don't talk to you unless they have to, etc. That's how I feel at church 99% of the time. My moms friends talk to me more than people my own age. I am tired of being two-faced myself. To those people my age that don't really talk to me, I just want to tell them off. And to the people I just really don't like, I really want to tell them off. But I don't and it makes me feel very two-faced.
Growing up, I never really did anything horrible. Perhaps it was the fear of getting caught, or the fear of getting in trouble. It could have been the fear of disappointing my parents. Whatever the reason, I tried to stay out of trouble a lot. Is that why I did the things I did? I go to the LDS church...why you ask? Tonight I would probably tell you I have no clue. To not disappoint my parents or my husband. How do you know it's the right one? Or the true one? Tonight I can tell you I don't know. Maybe that's why I am struggling so much. Maybe that's why I forget to read my scriptures and say my prayers at night. Maybe that's why I hate sitting through three hours of church each Sunday with a one year old that wants to run around and play.
I feel lost and confused and like a bad mom and wife. I don't really talk to Adam about it for fear of disappointing him. Why am I so scared to share my feelings and tell people what I want? I have been all my life. I feel like I have been judged and criticized all my life and I just want it to stop. I want my parents to be proud of me. Really proud of me. I want my mom to spend more time with Parker and with me. I want my siblings to want to hang out with me. I want their spouses not to hate me. I want Adam to come home from work and for us to just talk like we used to. We don't talk anymore. There is always an electronic (tv, ipod, or laptop) in the way from one or both of us. I want my feelings not to be on my sleeve. I just want to be happy.
Why is it that people don't like me? What have I done wrong? Why would Parker rather sit with his uncle than me? Why am I in this funk? Why am I feeling sorry for myself? Why am I even posting this on the blog (probably because I think if I get it off my chest I'll feel better)? Why am I so unhappy?
11 years ago
